Self-doubt 🤝 Self-acceptance
half "race" recap, half public journaling session
REVISION/UPDATE: Turns out I was quite anemic during this effort. Makes reading this entry interesting in hindsight. Lesson to listen to your body and trust what it’s signaling.
Woke up today and decided to kill my ego
It ain't ever done me no good no how
The opening line from Sturgill Simpson’s song, Just Let Go, is an aspirational one for me. I’ve learned killing the ego is not only important on race day, but ahead of every long run or workout too. Any time expectations or pride get in the way of enjoyment.
The struggle between ego and acceptance came to a head for me a few weeks ago. Looking for redemption from a DNF at the Broken Arrow Skyrace 46k last year, I raised the stakes heading into 2024 and registered for the triple crown – a gauntlet of the VK, 46k, and 23k. Coming off a successful race at Desert Rats I was optimistic about a better result this go. Life happenings caused some ups and downs in volume, but overall, I put together what I thought was a decent block for this attempt. At least by superficial Strava standards.
Under the surface, my body and spirit were wilting. A chronic hip/lower back injury flared up, leading me to put pressure on hitting an elite GAP (grade adjusted pace) for critical sessions as a means to convince me that I still had the base ability to perform. Leading up to the trip, I contemplated not racing but still traveling out to Olympic Village to lean into the fun and community aspects of the weekend. In the end, naivety won out and I toed the line, telling myself to just finish the triple without worrying about results.
Turns out the ‘23 DNF wasn’t an outlier – Broken Arrow Skyrace absolutely wrecks me. The vertical kilometer was alright, but about 30 minutes, heck maybe even just a mile, into the 46k I couldn’t help but laugh at how much of a grind the day was going to be. My lower back and hip were worked, resulting in the dreaded “stuck in one gear” feeling. Dark humor during a tough outing is a great temporary reprieve. A more lasting one is presence, gratitude, and focusing on bettering the experience of those around you. So that’s what I did. Donning a techy hawaiian shirt (which received an absurd amount of compliments), I smiled at everyone on the course, spoke words of encouragement to any participant I passed or was passed by, and went crazy cheering for Emily and Heather (two of my Canuck roomies from the weekend, who finished 6th and 7th respectively in the women’s race) as they past me at the pinnacle of the second lap. And hey, I at least finished the VK and 46k.
Though my ego is still fueling a lingering sense of disappointment and doubt from that weekend (conveniently overlooking the fact that I ran injured), overall, it was a very enjoyable experience that I look back on fondly. In spite of the wreckage it did to my superficial UltraSignup score.
Zooming out from Broken Arrow – I turned 35 last week. There are days where I still believe in the strength of my body, and there are days where I wonder if I’ll ever put up a solid result again.
What matters most is acknowledging those feelings of self-doubt while not giving them more weight than they deserve. Establishing a practice of accepting where I am and not forgetting the fun in self-belief, independent from having an attachment to any outcome. Good or bad.