Why do I run (so much)?

Meditating on how my time on trails goes beyond a relentless pursuit for growth

Sep 05, 2024

Out in the fields
Looking for silver linings
But just a little taste
Is so hard to find
You can try and find a job
Try and understand the numbers
In the lonely line of work
Of the long-distance runner

// Hiss Golden Messenger, Glory Strums (Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner) //

Origins

A few years ago, a renewed passion towards running paired with focused therapy sessions, helped me to finally move past an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Within the years since then, this shift has given me the space to reflect on my time, energy, and in what ways running continues to serve me.

I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, nor do I live a totally sober life now. For the better part of my 20s and early 30s though, drinking, drugs, and the ensuing late nights were clear impediments to my health and happiness.

Weekend mornings spent running long on trails redirected my energy towards a more fulfilling endeavor while conveniently zapping the drive to hit the bars or clubs later those nights. (though I’ve certainly tried my darnedest to do so on multiple occasions)

I’m now in a place where I don’t need running to avoid falling back into old habits with drinking. Yet, I still spend 8-14 hours a week out running (add a couple hours for the trailhead commutes). I question how continuing this volume of running is taking away from friendships, if it’s impeding my ability to show up for people. I wonder if it hampers my prospects at work, my dedication to volunteering, involvement in local initiatives, and pursuit of other passions.

Yes, hours spent training equals hours sacrificed for other things. Intense sessions wipe me for the rest of the day, sometimes longer. It’s hard enough to get off the couch to walk the dog after a burly weekend long run: anything beyond that feels embarrassingly challenging. I do not believe in seeking growth solely for the sake of having more (especially when it comes to the superficial kinds), so a logical solution is to pair down my volume and save energy for what’s currently being sacrificed.

I plan on doing that...just not right now.

Why not? Why do I continue to run the way that I do?

A Daily Practice

The drafting of this post has spanned a few weeks of workouts, including two Thursday morning hill sessions. A couple weeks back, my coach (who has his own substack journaling life as a American pro-trail runner living in France) prescribed a palatable workout of 4x4’ uphill intervals at a 20% grade, with a good warmup and cooldown. Waking up to an strangely chilly and foggy August morning on the front range, my mind was everywhere else but on running. Anxiety took hold, pulling me back into bed.

After gently nudging myself awake, loosening up with caffeine and geriatric mobility exercises, I walked out the door. 6:52 AM. A good 30 minutes after my intended departure time but hey we’re getting it done.

As my truck rolled up to the trailhead, vibes were shifting. My legs warmed up well and I felt myself cutting through the fog while starting the uphill reps. They rhythm of footsteps to gravel, increasing heavy breathing, a sort of uncomfortable meditation taking root. Making the final steep push on the 4th repeat, my being was in a completely different spot than two hours earlier. It’s like I had squeezed in the emotional benefit of therapy, the physical benefit of a workout, and the spiritual benefit of a dance party into just over an hour of trail running.

Fast forward one week. Another Thursday morning, the same workout prescribed to build adaptations and habits through the repeated stimuli of steep running over manageable chunks. The results of the workout looked comparable. 9 miles with 2k+ feet of climbing at a 9:00 per mile average. What transpired internally was quite different. I never really felt stressed about the workout, but also didn’t feel like I was attacking the hill. Regardless, my body felt at ease and my brain was flooded with dopamine as I left the trailhead to head home and start my day.

This feeling is one which keeps me coming back. Taking negativity, putting it through the trail machine, and enjoying the output of perspective, grace, and confidence. Connecting with the outside world and the internal self.

My external competitiveness has waned, yet the internal fire to improve keeps raging. Occasionally, 35 feels too old for this cosplaying as Sisyphus. Most of the time, I continue to feel myself growing in new ways. Continuing to crave the progress despite the ticking of the clock.

Therefore, circling a specific race on the calendar, a proving mark for this progress, is mostly a means to an end. As long as I keep my relationship with running in a healthy place, the lessons learned through the dedication of the training process provides all the medicine I need.

Emerging Motivators

Beyond my daily training practice (and helping to keep those pesky old vices at bay on the weekends), a number of other beautiful aspects of trail help fuel the motivation to stack so many miles.

Building Resilience – Our lives can become quite comfortable if we let them. Even as I get older and slower, I can still head up to the alpine and push my body as it ascends and descends around a mountain loop. Burning lungs and legs remind me I can get through challenging periods and is a nice contrived way to build that muscle.

Disconnecting to connect – More and more of my runs have become unfettered from modern tech. I leave my phone and headphones in the car, I turn off the mile notifications on my watch, and force myself to connect with the ground under my feet and the scenery around me.

Racing Goals – I have a few big races and accompanying goals on tap for the next year. These excite me and meeting them will require commitment to training, sleep, and rehab/strength. Balancing this with investing time in my relationships will continue to take serious intention.

Community – I have met so many amazing folks through trail running. I’ve historically done most of my runs alone. Running with other people, whether it’s through clubs or one-offs, is an area I’m excited to continue to invest in.

Giving Back – I don’t want my training to continue to come at the expense of volunteering. I blend the two through trail building volunteer days and using the connections I’ve made to help further the mission of Metro Caring (the main non-profit I volunteer with). Also very open to other ideas or collaboration here.

So What’s My Why Again?

Through trail running I have become a better version of myself. I’ve certainly experienced low points in the journey; falling short of the bar I’ve set for myself as a partner, son/brother, friend, or coworker. I’ve manifested stress and self-doubt. Most days I wear an extra layer exhaustion from the weekly running volume. Heck, it’s not like I’m even getting free shoes or gear for this.

As is the case in every long race, low points are inevitable. I am constantly learning how to better take them in stride, balancing time on the trails and a desire to compete with everything else I want to do in life. I have never been so motivated to do it all, as I am now.

In a year’s time, I’ll be racing CCC in Chamonix then getting married, all within a 10-day window. It feels fitting to be celebrating a bucket-list trail run just ahead of a massive lifetime milestone that I might not have been lucky enough to reach without running. As goofy as that sounds, I really believe it.

So, I suppose that’s really my why. Whether it’s running or another passion-driven endeavor, we all need something that continues to push us forward in this life. Not simply for the sake of growth, but for grounding and contentment in our pursuit of it.